Wow and I thought last year was mad!

Uni has been the best yet worst experience for me...I made so many mistakes; put on so much weight, didn't work hard, didn't take up a hobby, drunk FAR too much, spent to much money, lost my boyfriend, trusted people I shouldn't have, experience something I NEVER want to again (shameful...) and I'm worrying that I'm screwing up my exams- don't want to let my parents down!

This summer I have to start afresh. I kinda knew that I wasn't ready to go to uni- I should have taken a gap year (but my dad wouldn't let me, or any of my siblings do that). So I was thrown into this strange new place (which can seem the loneliest place in the world), and my boyfriend had gone travelling round the world for 6 months so I kinda went off the rails. Not in a crazy way...I just didn't adapt as well as I should have and made a lot of bad choices, and am now thinking that I've got to get my arse in to gear and turn my life around over summer.

Aims:-

1) Get a job- earn lotsa money and pay off the ridiculous amount of money I spent. I want to try and get a job I enjoy and where I won't be shouted at by customers all day...

2) Get fit- I still got over half a stone to lose...I want to go swimming, go jogging...not starve myself, but get to a size that I feel comfortable with, for me. I want to try and get a hobby- maybe learn to salsa dance or something. Achieve something. Seeing as I can't horse ride anymore

3) Try and be a good person again- last year I was a good person, I didn't lie, my idea of fun wasn't going out for a night and not remembering it the next day...which brings me on to...

4) Drink less! It made me fat, made me temporarily forget my problems, but made me do stupid things.

5) Be a good daughter. I know my parents aren't that nice to me, but I'm gunna try spend more time with them. After all, they do a hell of a lot for me.

6) Work on my confidence. I am SICK of being so nervous around new people...which prob explains y I drink so much! I want to be able to have flowing conversations rather than choking on my words, esp with adults...I am 19 years old, pretty much an adult myself. I guess it's cos I was brought up to respect my parents that I see all adults as authority figures. Which is dumb. I think people think I'm so boring- but I'm really not. I'm just shy. And at this stage in my life I bloomin' shouldn't be.

7) Achieve something- maybe some voluntary work. I am at university, getting in to ridculous amounts of debt for an education. Great, I'll have a degree...along with thousands of other people. I need to start working harder...opening up more options incase I do decide to be a psychologist. Excessive drinking and sitting on my computer for hours on end are not extra curricular activities that will get me far in life.

Next year things will be different...next year counts for 1/3 of my degree. I'm guna work much harder, join clubs and societies; may be do this councelling course- put myself out there. Go out less that three times a week. Uni is not just about getting a degree. It's about experiencing things to prepare you for the real world. I am not feeling that right now.

It's a lot to achieve but I'm sick of feeling inferior to everyone; fearing everything; getting stressed all the time. It's time for people to see the real me rather than me hiding in a shell for fear people will judge me and not like me.

I have GOT  to change. Doing this alone will help cos I've got to find happiness in myself, rather than having some one who makes me feel like my troubles have gone away...cos they haven't and won't until I do something about it! Can't wait to conquer this empty exhausted feeling...

A very moany post...but I've been bottling things up for too long.